Confession of a creative
What they don’t tell you about being a creative.
· It is terrifying
· I can’t help it
· I’m awake
I’ve only been brave enough to share what I am making in my shed for just over 6 months. I’ve never felt so vulnerable. Why is it that? That seems absurd. I am too old for something this honest.
I’ve held very senior roles in executive teams and been in high pressure environments. I have never played it on easy. Why is being a creative so hard?
It’s just a lump of clay, a canvas, a lick of paint, a song, photograph or a thought written down. I’m just scrawling, but its honest. Why is that the hard part?
It’s just me in that shed, when I am doodling, making something that makes me smile, or laugh or proud. It’s never for anyone else. It has never been about that before. Sharing it does not come easy and I don’t understand how anyone can have the fortitude to stand on that stage and perform every night. I barely have the confidence to throw a few photos on Instagram.
Perhaps I’m jealous of those who’s natural talent is so obvious, so pure, they have no reservations shouting loud and proud about their gift.
Now we come to the real insight. If I’m struggling to share what I’m making, why do I bother? Just stay in my shed. Small, unseen and quiet in the back shed. It’s a good question. It’s an honest question. Honesty, I don’t know. Nothing has changed. Why now? I have no bloody idea, and I would prefer it to go back into its box. That would be easier. Trust me, I’ve tried to shove the beans back into the bag!
Why are creative people compelled to share what they have made. For so long I have been satisfied with the pleasure of making it for myself and my family. I could make an excuse to say I need to remove the clutter from my house (and for real the amount of shit in my house is becoming an issue!). Needing to sell the things I make to create space for more creativity is valid and practical.
But, if I’m honest (I’m a glass of red into this confession and no doubt will regret posting this in the morning and will likely delete it immediately – so enjoy as I’m already planning to paint over it!), but I can’t help it. The best I can explain, is I need to put this out into the universe, see what happens. I expect nothing. I require no validation. I just want it to exist for a finite period of time in the world. Just want a little space to exist.
When someone asks me who I am, my standard response is - I’m a parent, a wife, an executive, a professional. That feels natural. That feels “normal”.
I want to have the confidence to say - “I am a creative”.
To be fair, claiming to be an “Artist” is one step too far at this point, sounds like I’m a wanker…. so creative it is!
After all this time, looking back on what I’ve achieved in my life and career, that is the most honest answer to the question, who are you?
I’m a creative… in progress.
It’s morning time and I’ve re-read my post. Think I’ll leave it up. I know the only people reading this is my sister and a family friend - Hello Colleen and Rhonda!. In the meantime, I’ll keep making and sharing for a little while longer.